Recession Provides New Opportunity To Find Love

The economic woes of this recessions are providing a new opportunity to find love.  Bad times seem to be unleashing something primal in many who find themselves without a partner: A hard-wired desire for companionship.

Some singles are now hunting for dates with the same fervor others are  hunting for jobs. On matchmaking Web site eHarmony.com, membership is up 20 percent despite monthly fees of up to $60, and activity has soared 50 percent since September at OkCupid.com.

It's not just the frequency of our dates that's changing -- it's also the people we're choosing to spend time with. We're  looking for something that's genuine in a world that isn't very secure. With headlines full of why you can't trust established institutions that you thought you could ... people are re-examining their own values."

However, there are challenges.  Recessions can make some romances more difficult, especially for those who've already said "I do." The stress that comes with fear, financial problems and economic uncertainty can drive a wedge between partners.

Shifts can be subtle: a devoted singleton going on more first dates; casual daters seeking long-term relationships; partners who might not have been attractive a while back -- someone younger or older, someone who lives in a "geographically undesirable" area -- looking much better.

A gentler tone is taking over, with substance gaining over style.  Perhaps that's a very good thing.  Don't you agree?

Cougar Asking Why Am I Alone?

The women in my cougar community often ask themselves why am I alone?  Of course every woman is unique so the reasons vary.  But, I would have to say the major reason for being alone is, "I choose to be". 

I recently received an email from one of the members in The Real Cougar Woman Club.  She shared her "alone" story with me. Now I will share it with you in her own words.   

Being a single parent raising two kids on my own with no help has been tough.  Now that my kids are grown and are away for the summer I’ve been forced to deal with the issues that I have been running from or covering up for so long.

I believe that we all make choices in life.  I happened to always choose the wrong type of men.  They guys were physically attractive on the outside, but with no substance on the inside.  They were just empty, hollow and emotionally unavailable.

After giving my choices some very serious thought, I came to realize that I was drawn to the wrong type of men because I had a father who was never there for me.  I felt invisible.  When I got older I used men in an attempt to validate myself.  Of course that was impossible because I hadn't  yet learned how to validate myself.

Now that I’m older and wiser I know I deserve better and won’t settle for less than God's best.  I’ve come to realize that I really don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself.  Why would I?  I am an independent, strong, attractive woman in the prime of her life.  I am a Real Cougar.

I could have a man in my life now  but I am choosing not to.  I just turned 44 years old and Idon’t want to waste my valuable time on the wrong things or on the wrong people. 

 

Will be there room for a man in my life someday?  Yes, but on my terms.  It's very important  that I have people who celebrate who I am.  I am done with people who try and bring me down to their level or diminish the woman I was created to be.

 

Ladies, life too short to waste on the wrong person.

 

Thanks Corazon for your story.

Marriage - Is Happily Ever After Simply An Illusion?

Why would anyone want to get married?  All the hopes and dreams we have about about happily ever after seem to be nothing but a fairy tale illusion.  It's very possible, the "hard work" it requires wrings out all the passion and joy from this union.  The spectacular public bust-ups of numerous celebrity marriages makes it very obvious we currently inhabit a vast and bleak landscape of marital discontent.

In a much-discussed recent survey of 35,000 American women, published in the July issue of Woman's Day, 72 percent of married women said they had considered leaving their husbands. Seventy-nine percent said they'd like sex more often, and 52 percent said they have no sex life to speak of.

Most of us have not consciously or categorically banished passionate love from our lives, we just can't seem to make it fit. Indeed, if being in love is such a stimulating and gratifying state -- and it is, of course -- why would we do without it unless we had to? 

Talk to almost any therapist, and he or she will tell you that the primary reason people aren't happy is they are too tired to have sex and have built up a little mountain of resentments over the difficulty of running a household together.  This is in part why we are so fascinated with marriages that appear, from the outside at least, highly functional and romantic: How do the Obamas make time for date night when Barack has a country to run? 

It's interesting that even as heterosexual women are sounding the death knell for their nuptials, homosexual men and women are fighting for the right to marry traditionally. It may be that you can't properly loathe an institution of which you are not yet a member.

Internet Dating - Searching For Love

Internet Dating is finding love online possible?  In July 2006, Ron James’s marriage of 13 years ended, and that same month, he joined JDate, an online matchmaking site for Jewish singles. “I’d fallen off the horse and felt the best strategy was trying to get right back on,” he said.

Mr. James, 48, was a social worker at a nursing home, and he threw himself into JDating as if he were one of his clients in need of intensive case management. He signed up to meet all women ages 30 to 50 who lived within 50 miles of his Westchester apartment, including Manhattan. “I was maximizing my search,” he said. “I’d work at it two to three hours a night.” He described himself in his Web profile as “warm, honest and authentic,” as striving to exercise his body and mind, and as wanting marriage, “but no game players please.”

In 18 months, he e-mailed 500 to 600 women and dated 40 to 50. On a social worker’s salary, it became expensive: the train to Grand Central Terminal, the dates, a $39.99 monthly JDate fee.

So he used economies of scale. He’d do as many as three dates on a Sunday at three Starbucks within a few blocks of Grand Central. “I was trying to make it affordable, yet retain some sense of integrity,” Mr. James said. “I’d do the first one at 10 or 11, then break for lunch.” He’d eat alone to hold down costs, then go to a second Starbucks for a second date. “I didn’t want to bump into the first woman again,” he said. “I didn’t want anyone feeling bad.”

He followed this routine every other week. “I needed time off for rejuvenation,” he said. “It was pretty stressful.”

To find out if Ron's plan to find love paid off read yesterday's New York Times article. 

Sex Starved Wives - Don't Get No Satisfaction

Sex Starved Wives are slowly emerging from the closet.  In the past they have been ashamed to admit they want more sex from their husbands, but not anymore.   

Sex therapist Bettina Arndt, who is the author of The Sex Diaries, said four out of 10 sexually frustrated women she has worked with had ended their relationships because of problems in the bedroom. Sydney psychologist and sex therapist Serena Cauchi said she had also noticed this new trend.

"It is not as uncommon as you would think. Women may react just as men may do in this situation; some have affairs and some choose to end the relationship."

One 42 year old woman confessed she had been sexually frustrated for at least 7 of the 14 years she had been married.  Her self esteem had "taken a battering" because of the constant rejection from her husband. "Having a husband who is hardly interested in having sex with me has made me feel like it's my fault." 

Being a sex starved wife isn't easy especially when you hear your friends complaining about husbands who want sex all the time.

Arndt said more research needed to be done but that proves to be difficult.  Men men aren't willing to talk about the fact that their sex drive has slipped into low gear. 

Mark Sanford Heading For Divorce Court?

Is Governor Mark Sanford heading for divorce court?  Will his wife say enough is enough?  The speculation over the future of their marriage, after his recently disclosed affair is likely to die off well before the family’s pain. So, too, will the unsolicited lectures — about his hypocrisy, about her obligations, about the dire state of marriage in general.

Innfidelity is one of the most common reasons people divorce.  But surveys find the majority of people who discover a cheating spouse remain married to that person for years afterward. Many millions more shrug off, or work through, strong suspicions or evidence of infidelity. And recent trends in marriage suggest that the institution itself has become more resilient in recent years, not less so.

Temptation stalks even close marriages, as researchers have had no trouble documenting it. In one survey, psychologists at the University of Vermont asked 349 men and women in committed relationships about sexual fantasies. Fully 98 percent of the men and 80 percent of the women reported having imagined a sexual encounter with someone other than their partner at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report such fantasies.

And it’s worth noting that most couples who have been publicly humiliated — the Clintons, the Spitzers, the Edwardses — have so far stayed together.

In a statement last week, Jenny Sanford, Governor Sanford’s wife, said that she had recently asked her husband to leave the house after discovering the affair. She also said that she still believes their relationship can be repaired.

To read more about the institution of marriage read yesterday's New York Times article "Marriage Stands Up For Itself".

Mark Sanford Mystery Solved - It's All About Sex Stupid

The great mystery has been solved and surprise, surprise -  it's all about sex.  Mark Sanford, South Carolina's chief exec. is now back home admitting he's been a very bad boy. After disappearing for five days on an "adventure trip," or so he told his staff, Sanford confessed to having an affair.  No wonder he had such a great tan - he was in Argentina. Is it me or doesn't that seem like an awfully long way to go for a roll in the hay?

At yesterday's press conference he apologized to his wife, Jenny, his four sons, his "parents-in-laws", his staff and the rest of the country.

"As much as I did talk about going to the Appalachian Trail, that  wasn't  where I ended up," he drawled.  No. With his four kids at home and his wife managing his campaigns, Sanford developed a relationship with a "dear, dear friend from Argentina." A married lady he'd known for eight years.

Can you just imagine what would be going on if  Mark was Margaret, a female governor who did the same thing?  With men it's still more accepted.  It's just what men do.  Sanford even turned to God to defend him saying, "God's law is designed "to protect people from themselves . . . It's not a morally rigid list of do's and don'ts just for the heck of do's and don'ts."  Oh pleez!!

Our politicians sure do know how to serve the people don't they.  We had McGreevey who hid the fact he was gay.  Then there was Spitzer and his ladies of the evening and now Stanford who wins a special spot in the Horny Governors Hall of Fame.

Is it totally unrealistic to expect people to honor their rwedding vows?  It sure looks that way.  Maybe marriage isn't everything it's cracked up to be and we have to establish a whole new set of rules.  

Relationship Recipe - 4 Basic Ingredients

There are at least 4 basic ingredients needed to maintain a healthy relationship. Along with these ingredients it takes two people committed to make it work. 

Here are the four ingredients you need to feel nurtured and satisfied with that special someone in your life.  

1. Authenticity

Each person in the relationship feels they can be authentic and express exactly who they are. It takes two fairly secure people to allow each other to just Be, but people in these great relationships often report the wonderful ease of getting to be exactly who they are.

2. Expansion

The relationship is not drudgery or wearing on anyone. It exhibits even energy exchange and good individual boundaries. The symptoms are that no one feels overly exhausted or worn from participating. Often, two people in this type of relationship say they feel uplifted, or have more energy, from the experience of being together, rather than the opposite.

3. Appreciation

Appreciation for the relationship and the other person seems to be a hallmark of some very happy ones. Sometimes I have clients who are on their second (or third) marriage but their previous not-good experience has taught them to really appreciate the qualities of the new partner. When two people sit around and appreciate each other, what are the odds they are going to have a bad experience with each other?

4. Harmony

What I mean by this is not necessarily always agreeing, but almost always being out of high drama. Around these excellent relationships, there is a sense of calm, peace, ease as far as the relationship is concerned. Even in tough times, people with great connections seem to not make their relationship bear the brunt of their troubles. In other words, one symptom of a not great relationship is sense of constant negative drama.

How many of these ingredients are part of your relationship recipe?  

Marriage - Is Yours Worth Saving?

Most marriages and relationships can be saved, but not all!  In the case of abuse – sexual, physical, mental – many failing marriages and relationships are simply not worth saving. In fact, to attempt to save them puts one or both partners in the relationship at risk for further abuse. 

Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz, authors of Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage have this to say about love and marriage. "Our six decades of life and nearly three decades of research on the topics of love and marriage, tell us that some relationships become so poisoned, so dysfunctional, and so hopeless, that it is better to end them than to operate under the illusion that they are worth saving or can be saved".

Ask yourself this question - it may help you decide whether to stay or to leave. “How can I continue to live with a man that makes me feel so worthless, so insignificant, and so meaningless. How can I continue to live with a man that respects me so little?”

Sometimes it is just time to move on. Sometimes, to save your soul you have to free yourself of all that is oppressive. Sometimes, you must remove the albatross around your neck if you have any hope of living out your life with happiness, hope, self-respect, and meaningfulness.

When you can look in the mirror and honestly and truthfully say that you did your best to save your relationship with another human being, but to no avail, then ending it is the right thing to do. Life is too short to waste it in torment, in abuse, and in lost love.

Real Cougars Loving Who We Are

I am talking to Real Cougars all the time.  A large majority of them are in relationship with or married to younger men.  These women range in age from 40 to 60 and their love interests are men 27 to 40. 

Are they happy?  You bet they are!  Are there problems?  You bet there are!  The biggest problem is we still live in a society where the double standard is alive and well.  What's okay for the male isn't necessarily okay for the female.  The only way we are going to change those antiquated perceptions is to be a shining example that these relationships do work.  That both people are there for the right reasons - love, support, and happiness.

One thing I have noticed is that the men in cougar relationships are not getting the support they need.  Just like the women who are misunderstood - so are the guys.  The difference is women will find someone to talk to but for a man that's a lot more difficult.  

Just last week I got an email from a women who told me that her friends and family did an "intervention".  They all got together to convince her that the man in her life was only there for his personal gain and she should run for the hills.  I don't think this would have happened if her guy was of a similar age.

Do we have to change what other people think to be happy?  Of course not.  Happiness is an inside job but we can shine example.  We are smart, confident, accomplished women who strive to enjoy life to the fullest.  Real Cougars refuse to be defined by the age of the man we are with. We know life's too short to worry about what other people think.